Archive for February, 2012


Fear

I know I can tutor. I know I am smart. Japan broke me however. I couldn’t teach worth a damn. Will I be better this time? Will people pay me? Will I trust in my own abilities?

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Why do I get the feeling that I am missing out on everything. Is everyone having more fun than me? Is everyone leading better lives than me? Why do I feel this incessant need for more in my life? I’m a full time student. From time to time I raid. I cook dinner every night. I have a husband. I have a baking hobby.

It’s not enough. I want a vocation that both thrills and challenges me. I want to get sucked into that world and make amazing discoveries and wow everyone I know.

Instead I’m here.

We sat on the couch last night watching a history channel tv show for 2 hours. I ate 3 bagels with cream cheese. It was wonderful.

But I don’t want that. I want to be driven not butt ass lazy with a desire for snack foods late at night. I have such an unguided ambition. I don’t know where to put it and I can’t learn enough fast enough.

Fucking money. I can only go 2 years before I have to stop to make more money. I’ll be 32 at that point. How many years until I can go back to school? How many years until I can make actual scientific discoveries on my own? It feels like I am too late to the game.

I need to conquer my body as well but for some reason that is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life. I am compulsive. I can’t control myself. Maybe I should continue to force meditation.

I need some sort of rigor. Some plan/pattern. Plans and patterns seem to backfire. Every day on its own works better. But sometimes there are just terrible days of eating that stretch into a terrible week.

I don’t know how I got here and how to get back.

But as with my intellectual life, I’m not ready to lay down and die just because I’m over 30 now.