This is probably my 6th blog. I struggle with the desire to have feedback on my writing and my life but often the things I want to say, I am unable to say in front of my friends and family, probably because I am afraid of their reaction.

Who am I?

  • I am an atheist. I don’t believe in god. I don’t believe in the metaphysical. I don’t believe in the supernatural. On the other hand I am very okay with other people being religious and spiritual. I like zen and meditation and think that control of the self is important.
  • I am lazy. I don’t clean. I don’t cook a whole ton.
  • I love to eat. All I think about all day long is eating. When I’m not eating, I’m thinking about what I want to eat next.
  • I don’t like myself all that much.

Who I want to be?

  • I want to be a badass. To not fear what others think of me. To be confident and happy with my body.
  • I want to be in control, of my body, my mind, my destiny, my soul, my career.
  • I want to be noticed and not ignored. I want my opinions and feelings to matter. I want friends who genuinely care about me as much as I care about them and their lives.

I’m going to write here the honest truth about me and my life. No sugar coating for my husband who loves me yet wants me to stay who I am so he will not be threatened in his own life by me. I’m not going to pretend that I pray to god or believe that some miracle will happen for me or ask others to pray for me because that’s what my mom would want.

This will mostly be info about my day to day as I intend, desire, DEMAND to lose weight so I can live the life I want and be the person I want to be.

This is day 1.I’ll be 30 in a few months. I want that fabulously successful and happy life. I do NOT want to be here on this couch anymore.

~Maat

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