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Hungry

I read this book recently called the Hungry Years. In the book the author talked about the Atkins diet in his life and how he relates to food. One bit I found particularly interesting was how he talked about the obsession. It was a hunger. A hunger for something more. I feel that way as well. I’m always hungry. Sometimes I’m hungry for food but many other times I think I’m just hungry for a life I don’t have. Something needs to fill that hole of boredom and emptiness. I need to do something about this. Maybe the best thing is to make a list of things to and make it happen.

Too dark

I think I’m too dark to have a successful blog.  I wonder if no one else ever gets depressed. Maybe they are just more adult and can stuff it down further than me.

Frustrations

Well I did that diet for 4 days and while it felt great I fell off the bandwagon and it was so much fun just to stuff my mouth full of junk food. Some days I have no idea how I’m ever going to lose the weight. I have to almost physically make myself stay with one day at a time because there is always something to plan for, to hope for. I can’t think about that. I need to just be with the moment.

Tensions arising with the hubs. I can’t take all the neediness sometimes. Not sure what to do on that front.

JW Diet Day 4

Day 3 was perfect and Day 4 until dinner. Sushi, fruit, crackers/cottage cheese, grilled cheese sammie and ice cream bar. A little overboard but I’m not worried. Exercised as well.

 

MY LIFE IS MY OWN! When will I stop comparing my successes to others? I need to move on from the why do people not like me scenarios I play out in my head.

JW Diet Day 2

I’m pretty hungry but what is surprising is that it is manageable. I need to cut down on the late nights. The tea and pills are giving me some insomnia but I know I need sleep. Dinner was delicious and I can’t wait to eat my lunch. I’m making myself wait until 12:30 on the dot. Practicing even small amounts of willpower is good for me.

I will be getting home late today but I still will have plenty of time to exercise. Then I plan to clean, cook and finish this damn paper (thorn in my side). I’m almost out of Spring Semester. I really want to get out of school asap. I’m a little nervous that my advisor even tomorrow will be under-attended. I hope that everything works out OK. But hey, one day at a time. What can I control? Things that go in my mouth and exercising and taking the time to study. Everything else will work itself out.

Before I forget – today’s weigh-in: 208

JW Diet Day 1

I bought Jackie Warner’s diet book even though I’m not sure if her strategy is solid. It’s called Lose 10 Pounds in 10 days. The first 10 days is a 950 cal diet and then the next is like 1200 and then 1500 for a total of 30 days.

Weight loss is always hard for me but I have to remember that I can’t just give up. I need to keep trying as many time as I possibly can. Something will work. I can’t just lay there and take it.

So I started this diet. I plan to do 10 days and then a cheat day (sushi!) and then the next 10 days. I really just want to make it through 10 days. I can’t worry about the rest of my life, just one day at a time.

The food part is actually really delicious. I loved everything but the tasteless oatmeal in the morning. I even added cinnamon. But lunch and dinner were fabulous. I am so hungry and it is only 6:30pm. I need to make it 5 more hours. Hopefully I get to bed early and I WILL NOT EAT ANYTHING ELSE!

The exercise made me really tired and dizzy but I would guess that it was because I’ve sat on my butt for months since my last exercise. I ate oatmeal 30min before exercise. So it wasn’t hunger. I have to tell you. 400 reps of jumping rope really tire you out.

I’m actually really looking forward to this. I would really like to get in shape more before my mother comes in August.

 

Starting weight: 212

Fear

I know I can tutor. I know I am smart. Japan broke me however. I couldn’t teach worth a damn. Will I be better this time? Will people pay me? Will I trust in my own abilities?

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Why do I get the feeling that I am missing out on everything. Is everyone having more fun than me? Is everyone leading better lives than me? Why do I feel this incessant need for more in my life? I’m a full time student. From time to time I raid. I cook dinner every night. I have a husband. I have a baking hobby.

It’s not enough. I want a vocation that both thrills and challenges me. I want to get sucked into that world and make amazing discoveries and wow everyone I know.

Instead I’m here.

We sat on the couch last night watching a history channel tv show for 2 hours. I ate 3 bagels with cream cheese. It was wonderful.

But I don’t want that. I want to be driven not butt ass lazy with a desire for snack foods late at night. I have such an unguided ambition. I don’t know where to put it and I can’t learn enough fast enough.

Fucking money. I can only go 2 years before I have to stop to make more money. I’ll be 32 at that point. How many years until I can go back to school? How many years until I can make actual scientific discoveries on my own? It feels like I am too late to the game.

I need to conquer my body as well but for some reason that is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do in my life. I am compulsive. I can’t control myself. Maybe I should continue to force meditation.

I need some sort of rigor. Some plan/pattern. Plans and patterns seem to backfire. Every day on its own works better. But sometimes there are just terrible days of eating that stretch into a terrible week.

I don’t know how I got here and how to get back.

But as with my intellectual life, I’m not ready to lay down and die just because I’m over 30 now.

Crap…

having trouble getting off my ass this week…

Happy New Year

It’s the new year and I’ve made some decisions that are going to make this year both impossibly hard and challenging. Weight loss is still a huge priority. I need to make an effort on laziness. I feel that that has impacted my life in such a negative way. I’ve been too lazy to exercise, too lazy to cook, too lazy to do anything with my life.

This year, as cliche as it sounds, will be different. I want to be different. Not only will I be working towards my career, I need to make connections and build a tutoring business. I need to learn about my field and focus in on what I am interested in. I need to build connections at the university and start working in the lab there.

For exercise, I need to do it. And eat right. I am worth it. What am I afraid of? Why do I not exercise? I think I need to dig a little more into my self and understand why I act this way.

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